Snogging Slip-Ups
by LilyMarie96
Summary: James and Lily appear to be experiencing some issues with their snogging, and the rest of the Marauders get roped into it. Rated T, but there is some mention and involvement of breasts.
1. Improper Pinching

'Merlin, James, don't _pinch_ it!'

'I thought you liked it when I pinched it?'

'Not when you pinch it like you're trying to pinch the bloody thing _off_! I mean, honestly, it's not like we haven't done this before.'

'Well forgive me, Lily, for trying to do something nice.'

'Trying to do something nice? _Trying to do something nice? Why I ought to-!'_

Whatever Lily Evans thought she ought to do, she evidently didn't manage to do it, as James Potter burst out of the broom cupboard, straight into the three boys who had been piled just outside of it, ears pressed to the door.

'RUN!' James shouted as he continued out of the doorway and down the hallway, hastily rearranging his robes as he went. Sirius Black and Remus Lupin exchanged a look, then grabbed Peter Pettigrew by the collar and dragged him along with them as they ran to catch up with James.

'What the bloody hell was _that_?' Sirius called at James as they rounded a corner into an empty classroom.

' _Bollocks_ , she isn't behind us, is she?' James asked, slamming the door behind Peter and slumping against it. 'Merlin, that woman scares me..'

'I repeat,' Sirius began, taking a seat behind the professor's desk, 'What the bloody hell was that?'

'I am not answering _any questions_ until I _know_ she's not coming after me!' James said with a wild look in his eyes that sent Peter running behind Sirius.

Remus pulled the Marauders Map out of his robes and opened it. He scanned across until he spotted Lily's name. 'It would appear you live to see another day, or at least a small amount more of this one. Lily seems to have been stopped by Slughorn, no doubt receiving another Slug Club dinner invitation. Now, will you please tell us what that was?'

'Well, erm, you see..' James' ears turned a bit pink on the ends, matching his cheeks, and he ran a hand through his messy black hair. 'You see, Evans and I.. That is to say, me and Lily, were..'

'Mate, we just want to know what you were pinching,' Sirius said, folding his hands behind his head and propping his feet up on the desk.

James pulled his glasses off, rubbed at them with his robes, and then carefully replaced them on his head. 'I was, erm, pinching her uh.. You know.. Her uh.. Her nipple. I was pinching her nipple.'

'Like, on her breast?'

'No, Padfoot, he means the one on her toe.' Remus said, rolling his eyes.

'Well I don't know, you've met Prongs, he can be a bit daft.'

'Hey!' James said, offended.

'Prongs, you tried to pinch Lily's nipple off, you're a bit daft.'

'I wasn't trying to.. Listen, I've pinched her nipples _loads_ of times before-' At this comment, Peter squeaked and went very red about the face. '-and she's never had any complaints, _thank you very much!_ '

'Have you ever tried to pinch it _off_ before, though?'

' _I wasn't trying to pinch her nipple off!_ '

'Sure, mate, we believe you. Here, demonstrate on Moony how you pinched it.'

'Uh, Sirius, I'm not sure I'm comfortable with James pinching my nipple,' Remus said, taking a small step backwards as Sirius stood up.

'Well he sure as hell isn't pinching _mine_ ,' Sirius replied.

'Yeah, Remus, that'd be mad,' James said, shaking his head slightly, as if that made any sense.

'Come on then, off with your shirt.'

Peter sat and watched in mild shock and a bit of interest as Sirius wrestled Remus out of his shirt.

'I want it to be noted that I am doing this under protest, and I better never hear about it again,' a now shirtless Remus said, arms crossed over his pale chest.

'Of _course_ , Moony,' Sirius said, looking at James. 'Why on _Earth_ would we tell anyone?'

'Because you're an arse and you'll think it's hilarious,' James said looking back at Sirius.

'Yeah, that's true.' Remus let out a sound of indignation and Sirius threw his hands up defensively. 'But, right, fine, I won't tell a soul.'

'Merlin..' Remus rubbed at his upper arms nervously. 'Let's get it over with, then. Pinch my nipple, James.'

'Oh, don't sound so excited there, Moony,' James said with a grin.

'James Potter, either pinch my nipple, or let me put my damned shirt back on!' Remus shouted.

'All right! All right! Keep your shirt on!' James chuckled. 'Or rather-'

' _Prongs_!'

'Right, sorry,' James shook his head and loosened up his shoulders before moving in on Remus.

'Merlin, James!' Remus shouted, covering his now red nipple with both hands. 'I should let Lily do whatever it is she's planning on doing to you!'

'Well it can't be that bad..' Sirius said, eyeing Remus' hands. Remus was on him in a flash, pulling his shirt up enough to expose his nipples.

'Go on, pinch them!' He instructed James, who obliged.

'Merlin's saggy left testicle! Remus, why'd you have him do that?' Sirius pulled his shirt down, and tugged his robes around himself protectively. 'Peter! Let James pinch your nipple.'

Peter backed up a bit, but willingly pulled up his shirt. Closing his eyes, he turned, offering himself up to James.

'Ow!' Peter cried, his hands shooting up to cover his chest. 'You did that to Lily?'

James ran his hands through his hair and groaned. 'She's never going to let me near her breasts again! Oh, and they're such nice breasts.. Perky, and full.. So soft.. And Merlin, the way her nipples harden up, it's like she's got Bertie Bott's tucked up under her shirt!'

'I think you've bruised mine..' Peter said grimly, poking at his now quite sore chest.


	2. Lightly Grazing

'Oh, come off it James, you liked it when I did it the other night!'

'There's no way I liked _that_ , Evans!'

'Evans? You're honestly calling me _Evans_?'

' _You don't get a first name after that!_ '

Remus sighed, folded his copy of the Daily Prophet, laid it across the arm of his chair, and looked up the stairs to the boy's dormitory, where Lily and James appeared to be having more problems with the physical aspect of their relationship. Peter sat, gaping open-mouthed at the stairs, at the foot of the couch. From his spot sprawled across the couch, Sirius tossed an old quaffle up into the air.

'I don't know what Lily just did, but do you suppose it was as bad as the nipple thing?' Sirius asked, and Peter's hand flew up to cup his chest. Remus shuddered slightly.

'I don't know what's gone wrong, they used to snog just fine,' Remus ran a hand over his temples. 'I hate that I'm so curious. I shouldn't be curious, I should be appalled. I _am_ appalled. But I'm also curious.'

'Do you suppose it's left over tension from all those years of annoying each other?' Peter asked, tilting his head to the side. Sirius thought this was very likely, and made a noise of agreement.

'Merlin's beard, those two have issues,' Sirius muttered.

As he said this, a sound like a number of objects being flung around traveled down the stairs, a door slammed, and Lily stormed down the stairs into the common room.

'You three!' She shouted, and Sirius threw his hands up, flinging the quaffle out an open window. 'I know you were listening.'

'You were shouting, Evans, I'm sorry!' Peter cried, and Lily turned on him.

'Well, now you gits are going to back me up.'

'Oh, Lily, we really aren't supposed to take sides..' Remus said, scratching his chin nervously. 'I mean, he's our best mate. And you're great as well..'

'I know about the nipple thing.'

'Bloody hell, Padfoot,' Remus said, rounding on Sirius. 'You just _can't keep your mouth shut_ , can you?'

'Hey,' Sirius said indignantly, 'I didn't tell Lily about the nipple thing! I _wanted_ to.. But I didn't!'

'Sorry, Remus,' Peter mumbled, and Remus rolled his eyes.

'So, are you going to help me, or what,' Lily asked, putting her hands on her hips and raising an eyebrow.

The three boys held a mostly silent conversation, largely consisting of a few vague hand gestures, a couple head movements, a bit of a growl from Sirius, some major eye rolling, and finally a group nod.

'Yeah, all right then,' Sirius said reluctantly. 'What happened?'

Lily moved to the couch and shoved Sirius' legs aside so she could sit down. 'All right, so we were snogging and it was going well. Like, _really_ well. Brilliant, really, he's just started doing this thing where he-' Sirius threw his hand over Lily's mouth.

'No. I don't want to know what went well. It means _nothing_ to me. What went horribly wrong?' Sirius gave Lily a meaningful look, and removed his hand slowly, and Remus put his head in his hands. 'Horribly. Wrong.'

'Fine, horribly wrong,' Lily said, and she leaned back against the arm of the couch. 'So, he's doing this _thing_ that's good, and so I decide I'll do this other thing he really enjoyed when I did it the other night.'

'Is that the bit that made him shout at you?' Peter asked, leaning forward onto his elbows.

'Yes, that's the bit that made him shout,' Lily snapped at him, and he leaned back.

'Lily, that's the thing we want to know about,' Remus said carefully. Lily sighed and groaned a bit.

'He _says_ I bit his tongue.'

'What do you mean, _he_ _says_?' Sirius asked. 'Wouldn't both of you know if that happened?'

'I _lightly grazed_ his tongue with my teeth, and he says I _bit_ him,' Lily relied aggressively. 'I didn't bloody bite him.'

'Well I'd hope you didn't bite him bloody,' Sirius said, and then burst out laughing. Remus and Peter watched him with an air of regret, wondering where they went wrong with him. He laughed for a good moment longer before trailing off, and coughing awkwardly. 'Sorry, right, go on..'

' _Thank you._ So he says I bit him. But I _know_ I didn't, because I did it _just like I did before_. And he never said I bit him that time!' Lily huffed and crossed her arms. 'I mean, _really_! You'd think I'd know if I bit him. _Which I didn't!_ ' Sirius and Remus gave each other a look.

'Well, um, how did you do it?' Peter asked, and Remus leapt off the chair at him.

' _No_!' he shouted, causing Lily and Sirius to jump. 'Don't you dare, Wormtail. Don't you dare! _We are not letting them demonstrate more of this nonsense on us!_ '

'Oh, gross!' Lily said, standing up. 'That's disgusting, Peter. I can't believe you.'

'You know, Evans,' Sirius said, draping his arm across the back of the couch. 'As Prongs' best mate, I'd be willing to sacrifice myself to a demonstration. For the good of the team.'


	3. Some Scarring

'It was an _accident_!'

' _Accident my arse_! You're just trying to get back at me!'

'Oh, come on, Lily! I thought we had gotten past this.'

'Gotten past.. Gotten past this? _You said I bit you!_ '

' _And now you're saying I bit you!_ '

'That's because _you bit me_!'

Peter shook his head softly. 'This is kind of getting.. frightening.'

'Yeah, they should really stop using their mouths,' Sirius suggested. 'Too much biting.' Peter pondered this for a moment.

'But if they stop using their mouths..?'

'Sirius,' Remus said, slightly exasperated. 'What have I told you?'

'Ughhh,' Sirius groaned, throwing his head back against the rug he was laying on. 'Mo- _ther_ , stop trying to stifle me!'

'Sirius Black! What have I told you!' Sirius jumped a bit at Remus' outburst.

'Aah! Um, don't call you "mother"! And don't say silly things regarding James and Lily snogging, because I jinx things when I do that, and then we get involved!' Remus nodded sharply, but then gave Sirius an expectant look, crossing his arms. 'Also, it makes Peter ask questions neither of us want to think about.'

'No, James, _you're_ coming down here too,' they heard Lily say. Sirius jumped up off the rug, panicked, and Peter and Remus flew up from the couch. The three looked frantically around for the best means of escape.

'The portrait hole,' Peter whispered frantically. 'If we run for it-'

'We'll never make it,' Remus interrupted, pulling at his hair. 'They'll see us and follow!'

' _I'm going out the window!_ ' Sirius crawled over the couch, and was nearly to the window when Lily rounded the bottom of the stairs, dragging a rather red looking James along with her. ' _Bollocks!_ '

'Oh, perfect,' Lily said, a little too sweetly, and Sirius trudged back over to Remus and Peter. ' _We_ have a question for you three.'

'No,' James said bitterly. ' _We_ do not. _You_ have a question.' He turned to his friends. 'And a right daft question as well!'

'Lily, we just don't feel very.. _comfortable_ getting so involved in your very personal lives,' Remus said carefully.

'Yes, well, I don't feel very _comfortable_ with teeth marks in my earlobe!'

'Well,' Remus began. 'Wait, I'm sorry, _what_?'

'Your best mate over here bit my ear.'

'No way!' Sirius ran over to Lily. 'Which ear?' Lily turned her head and pulled the hair away from her left ear. ' _Blimey_! I think that _is_ a bit of a tooth mark!'

'I want to see,' Peter said excitedly, and ran to look as well. 'Wow.. I didn't know that's what couples did..'

' _It's not what couples are supposed to do,_ ' Lily said harshly. ' _That's the problem!_ '

' _Ahh_ ,' Sirius grimaced and backed up to stand by Remus again, pulling Peter along with him. 'Prongs, that was bad wasn't it?'

' _Very_ bad,' James said, hanging his head.

'Well, really, James, if you didn't _want_ us to say we saw a tooth mark, why ask us?' Peter asked, apparently oblivious to how the situation had unfolded.

'Uh, Peter, I don't think James did want to ask us,' Remus whispered to Peter. 'I think _Lily_ wanted to ask us, and I think James would have been much happier if we didn't get involved. Also, _we_ would have been much happier..'

'Hmm, yeah that seems like it would make more sense.'

'I almost feel as though we as a collective group should be wasting less of our efforts on _this_ ,' James said, gesturing between him and Lily. 'And more time trying to figure out _that_ ,' he finished, waving his hand at Peter.

Lily looked at James with a shocked expression. 'Seriously, James?'

'Sirius-ly,' Sirius inserted. 'I mean, Peter _did_ attempt to have you demonstrate the tongue thing. And he thinks biting ears is okay. _And he willingly let James pinch his nipple_!' Peter flushed red.

'I wasn't going to have her _demonstrate_ the tongue thing.. I was just curious as to what happened..' He mumbled, and Sirius patted his head and shushed him.

'Really, Evans, who _actually_ needs our help right now?'

'I hate to say this,' Remus said quickly. 'But Sirius may not be _entirely_ wrong this time. It does seem as though your recent.. fiascos are having a negative effect on Peter.' He smiled apologetically at Peter.

'I suppose we do have a bit of a tendency to involve the boys,' Lily mused. 'And I suppose it could be quite strange for Peter..'

'Honey, it's strange for _all_ of us,' Sirius sighed, throwing himself onto the couch. 'I mean, we spent six years watching James try to love you, and you doing all sorts of awful, _but brilliant_ , things to try and dissuade him-'

'Wow, that's great word usage.'

'Thank you, Moony. Anyway, it's been quite a shock to all of our systems,' Sirius waved his hand vaguely in the air. 'I mean, one day you'd rather date a squid and you're actively trying to possibly murder him. And then-'

' _Boom!_ ' Peter shouted, flinging his arms up.

'Snogging,' Remus finished.

'Everywhere,' Sirius said softly.

'All the time.'

'In hallways. In classrooms.'

'In _cupboards_ ,' Peter cried, covering his face with his hands.

'Okay, actually that cupboard one may have been our fault,' Remus admitted with a slight head tilt. 'But you _were_ gone long enough that we thought you were murdered.'

'The real point here,' Sirius said, leaning forward and putting his hands together. 'Is that.. Remus.'

'What?'

'Remus, tell Lily what the real point here is.'

'Oh, um,' Remus scratched his head and wiped his face. 'The real point here is that..'

'Remus, please,' James muttered through his teeth.

'Yes, Remus,' Lily said, crossing her arms and jutting a hip out. 'What is the _real point_ here?'

' _James Potter bit you!_ ' Remus bellowed. ' _And you're scarring Peter emotionally!_ '

'I think my nipples are scarred physically,' Peter said thoughtfully.


End file.
